Time Moves Slowly

Time moves slowly when you want it to hurry.  We're still on wait.  Not much longer, but still on wait.

While on wait, we are moving.  We know it is time to, so we are taking steps.  Things are packed, simplified, prepared for final clearance to take off.  We will move.  We are waiting for the final details with the new sending agency, but we are packed.

It is tempting to fuss and grumble and wonder why they are taking so long, but those very things that are taking long are the very things we were looking for in a new agency - member care.  It takes time to get all the papers filled out, to schedule all the appointments, to cross every t and dot every i.

We wait.

We will move, though.  In just a few weeks here, we will move.  We are saying goodbyes to ones we love, relationships that are important to us...

and.. to those who have hurt us.  There will be freedom in that when it is all said and done, but this week, it is getting to me.  It's complicated.

Tom, Dick, and Harry...

Tom lives in this town with us.  He's seen me a few times... and walked right past not saying hi at all, not acknowledging my existence.  Now he wants us to come to a formal goodbye and thank-you dinner.  It seems odd... if you can't say hi, why say bye?

Dick.  He's in town for this.  I could handle never seeing this man in my entire life and being thoroughly happy with it.  He sets my teeth on edge.  He is constantly talking bad of me to my husband, and it is an odd thing to watch.  He is a man who took trust and burnt it.  He learned of my past (being abused as a child), and used it and still uses it to devalue me.  There is a serious reason I chose this name for this man.  Later, he told me that, "Well, I really know nothing about child sexual abuse since it just doesn't happen in my community."  Sure.  A man that ignorant and prejudiced is dangerous to the community around him.  He called me "damaged, and perhaps unable to be 'normal" again because of 'her past;."  One day, when I am free and clear, out of under his leadership, I intend to answer that accusation.  If he seriously wants to exclude those of us "with pasts" of being abused from Christian ministry, then he better cross off about two out of every three.  Also, with his attitude, I am afraid he has silenced some who might have asked for help, even in those close to him.

Harry.  Harry sadly had other plans.  They only planned for this six months ago...  but that is fine.  Actually, I have a little respect for the man for being too embarrassed to show his face.

There are others: some who participated, some who were silent, some who fought for us.  A mixed bag of emotions.

I wish we didn't have to go.  It would be one thing if there had been any listening or reconciliation.  An apology, a discussion, something... but no.  There has been nothing.  Harry said he would sit with us and hear us about how it could have been handled better.... but he's just been so busy...

So we leave.  We must face this farce next week, and then we leave.  Our hearts are broken.

We go forward.  We know God is still here.  We know we are still loved.  We are wiser.  We should have left years ago.  We came so close... but we were loyal...

The day after the "goodbye" from people that won't say hi to us, we have the goodbye from my work. That will be redeeming.  People who love us, love our family, who have been there, who value us... their love will help heal the wounds of the day before.

Then we leave.  Moving on.

I am still waiting.  We were placed under a gag order over a year ago.  "If you say one word bad about us, we will cut your support (which we raise)."  Out of... respect.... fear... threat... of that, I have been largely silent here, but that threat will end soon when we leave.  Then I will have some things to say...

.... about what to look for in a mission....

.... about how to survive the aftermath of trauma...

.... about signs to look for in dysfunctional leadership...

....  about how to help when things go bad.

The time is coming.  I've been more relaxed as that time nears.  I've told a few of my friends.  The shock and shame of the last years wearing off, and I've found my voice.  Told a few coworkers what was said.  Spoke up.  I will not be silent forever.  I am, by nature, an advocate.  I will speak up.  It is time we discuss these issues.