They Shoot the Wounded in this War, You Know

Wow.  Yesterday hit like a ton of bricks.  We walk away in tears.

Strangely, we walk away together, close, talking, working well together.  Just going in, he even said, "People have no clue about this PTSD stuff, how real it is, and how hard it is."  We've been healing, knowing we need healing here.  No one has focused on that, but we have been working on it.

And we walk in...

to a decision made months ago

to a gag order on that decision..

We walk out...

feeling betrayed...

hurt...

and yet, behind it, a certain bubbling sense of freedom...

freedom from control and abuse...

freedom from the duplicity of those above us making decisions behind our backs and yet acting differently to our faces...

freedom to breathe without people hanging over us... judging...

I feel a sense of betrayal privately that a man who tried to destroy my reputation over years gets off with a "say you are sorry", but because we objected, we get this..

this which I can not say because I have a gag order...

(which will run out.  A gag order on a time period.  When it runs out, I will speak.  Clearly.)

Freedom.

The thing is, as my husband said last night, God is still there, and He has a plan, and that is rather exciting.  We go forward, trusting.  We cut ties that perhaps should have been cut years ago.  It is easier now, we don't have to go about doing the cutting.  We have nothing to be ashamed about.  We go forward wiser, knowing more what we need, how to care for ourselves, and how to recognize unhealthy work environments.

There is a sense of relief.

And there is deep cutting pain.

Betrayal.  People asked us what we thought we needed, but they had already come to their decision before they asked.

Why ask then?  Why the pretense?

Then the gag order.  If we hear any word bad, then we will....

Threats.

We shrug.  We don't know if we can control people's tongues.  We are well-loved.  The people judging us are not local.  Locally, we are loved, and this will come as an offense.  That will be interesting to see what will occur.

We hope people go on about their work...

We hope.

But their loyalty to us is greater than to an organization who they disagree with.

So it remains a question as to what will happen next.

As for us.  We live today.  We breathe.  We stare at the ceiling all night.  Unable to sleep.

Reminds us of the months after the trauma when we would stare at the ceilings all night.  Unable to sleep for weeks.  Needing help to debreif, to process...

but help was not there...

not when we were injured.

And injured people are not welcomed in ministry.

The sad, but true, side of missions.

If you have problems, be quiet about them.

Missions shoot their wounded.

It is more efficient.