This blog has been silent for a long time. It is not because nothing is going on in my head, but perhaps the opposite - so much thinking that I had to think it through well first. I posted once about re-thinking history and the stories of Schindler's List and the S.S. St Louis. How it was time for me to take what I had been told, and how I had been told to feel about it and rethink it. To evaluate it in the face of facts and truth. Even when it meant we didn't come off so squeaky clean as I had previously thought. No longer were we the conquering heroes that rode in at the end of WWII and saved the day. We were the sleepy, self-absorbed people who didn't want to get involved and did not listen to the cries of millions being killed.
I've been re-thinking much of my own history, too. Who I am and what I choose to belief. I have grown up being taught by many people - my parents, missionary "aunties" and "uncles", churches, Bible schools, friends, mentors.... They've taught me many good things. They've taught me other things that I have been re-thinking. Many, many years ago, I faced a difficult situation where there was a conflict between two belief systems that two groups were teaching me. One of those sat me down and for two hours hounded me as to why what they believed was right and the other was wrong. I sat silent praying for some answer. At last, I think God gave me the words to say to respectfully extract myself from the situation. I said, "I have heard what you are saying and understand your position now. I have also heard what they say and understand their position. I would like some time to be able to search the Bible for myself and see what it has to say on the topic before I come to a conclusion." It was an answer no one could argue with.
Year later, now I think it is time to stop floating between beliefs and not declaring either.
I spent a good part of this year in a painful search. It included pushing some good friends farther away as I spent time not just accepting what we have been taught, but praying, struggling, and searching the Bible for answers to what I will believe. I'm glad I took the time to do it, even if it was years later from when I made that original request. In the middle of all that, this blog was largely silent as I wrestled. Some things can best be done alone with God.
I've thought deeply over posting the conclusions I came to or not. I've decided to do it. Why? I need to say this for my sake. I've always been honest on this blog with the good and the bad - and I want to continue that honesty. So the next few posts will be that - the conclusion that I have come to. What I now believe. Who I chose to be. Among those choices were choosing truth, light, transparency, accountability, and encouragement. Choosing to leave some things in God's hands. I chose most of all, to live in the LIGHT.