Be Still

This is my favorite song - well, my favorite hymn.  I just like it.  The other week, we were somewhere and someone played it.  I hadn't heard it for years, but I still know it.  I also like the song "We Rest on Thee" which is the same tune as this one.  But of the two, this is my favorite.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

But even as I listened to it the other week, my heart was not at rest in me.  "Be still my soul, the God doth undertake to guide they future as He has thy past".  When its been a year like this, when all that God has guided us through so far - well, it hasn't exactly been something I would want to go through again, when friends have hurt us and left us struggling to understand, when we've lost ones we love, when..... well, the assurance that God will guide the future as He has the past really ain't all that reassuring!  Actually, in all reality, I'd prefer Him to guide to a smoother path!

But I have a choice - to trust or not to trust.  And there are things which reassure me,  "in every change, He faithful will remain".  Every one.  Even the ones where I run off and throw a hissy fit about how difficult life is being.  He won't shake His head at my foolishness and say, "Ack, I've got better things to do than mess with that one."  Not even if others have said that.  He will remain faithful.

Then some lines I love, "be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below."  Yet while He was here, He allowed those waves and winds - even to the point that strong men, men used to boats, thought they were going to die and panicked.  Still, all that storm, all that panic, and it only took two words from his voice.  Be Still.

I know that He will not let me sink.  But I am getting a little seasick here.  Seasick and bruised from being battered about in a boat.  Waiting for the sound of those two words, "Be still". 

Except that He seems to be speaking them to my heart and not to the waves.... 

More on Trust

Our pastor recently spoke on the story of Abigail and David.  In some ways, I think this story is almost "packaged".  It is simple and ends wonderfully.  He protects, he is insulted, he seeks revenge, she steps in, he backs down, God defends and kills the idiot, and he marries the princess (ok, well the rich, beautiful, wise, kind woman.)

Life gets harder when there is silence from God and when the fool lives in peace and the insult is never answered.

Now there is the good point of listening to wise counsel.  The point of a woman who can be approached.  Even the servants knew that she was someone they could go to who could take action.  For a woman who steps in, even in opposition to her husband, and does what is right to protect her family and do what is right. (This would be an interesting story to bring up in the face of the "submit no matter what" theology!)

But to deal with an insult never answered is a constant question and struggle for me.  To have been put through pain un-neededly, insulted in pain, slandered, and not listened to by one who then goes on to have no consequences... it is tough.

Yet in that comes the sovereignty of God.  The God who could have, didn't stop them.  He didn't.  God stood by and let us suffer.  I still have questions about that....yet what I do know is that God, through it all, taught me to know Him - through the pain.

(Yet Abigail admits the injustice.....  there is power in hearing it admitted even if it is not by the person who did it.)

But through it all, God taught me to know Him.  Which brings me back to the question of trust.  How then can we trust?  Not only can we not trust people, we can't even trust God to keep our lives free of pain.  So on what is the basis of trust then?  I think it comes down to this one thing - that we can trust the heart of God towards us.

I grew up in the seventies, and yeah, back in the days when traveling groups all dressed in the same outfits would come to church and sing... this was way back before we started on our gypsy life of moving... and I remember this song, and it comes to mind as I write.  I think as a young kid, I heard it and thought about being taken through, as in safely through without it touching me, difficulties... but as an adult, I'm beginning to understand how through, as in right through being hurt, scarred, confused, broken, God will take me through it all.

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation,
God gave me blessed consolation,
that my trials come to only make me strong.

Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God.
Through it all,
through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I've been to lots of places,
I've seen a lot of faces,
there's been times I felt so all alone.
But in my lonely hours,
yes, those precious lonely hours,
Jesus lets me know that I was His own


I thank God for the mountains,
and I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.
For if I'd never had a problem,
I wouldn't know God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in God could do.

 

So just because God is in charge and He is using the things we go through, does it mean we just never deal with injustice?  I don't think so.  I think it is just that we need to deal with injustice from a place of wisdom and not from a place of wounded trust.  I'm just not there yet.  I'm not even sure what there looks like.  Perhaps it is one of those places where someone else needs to step in - an Abigail, only going to the offender - or do we just wait for the Lord to call to account?  David only had to wait ten days for justice.  My wait has been much longer....

Then comes the question of priorities.  Is this really a priority?  In the big picture, is it a priority?  I think of it today like a WWI scenario....

You're in a fox hole with bullets flying overhead and bombs going off.  Your captain ignores your dislocated shoulder, insults you, calls you a coward and a slacker in front of your company, repeatedly dumps loads on your injured arm, and ignores you when all you are asking is for help to wrench it back into position.  It is wrong - very wrong.  But in the big picture of what is going on - is it a priority?  Yes, he is, like Nabal, an idiot, but there are more important things going on right now.  When our company retreats and others take the forward position, then he should be dealt with by company commander, but right now... is it a priority?

I would like it dealt with right now - David's ten day wait seem like a walk in the park to me today.  But where are my priorities?  And who do I believe is in control?  I have to believe two things about God to stay where I am.  The first that His heart towards me in all that He allows is good.  The second is that He knows in intimate detail the hurt and how I feel - He holds my heart.

So today as my heart grieves from one wound from one person and looks forward in the next weeks to coming face to face with another person who has never answered to the wounding he has caused and will likely cause more, I look quietly up at God asking two things - for justice and for mercy.

But I have to trust.  "Whom have I in heaven besides You and on earth I desire nothing besides You".  I have to trust.  And that trust is based squarely on His heart for me and His knowing the depths of my pain.  Trust based on a deep knowing.  He knows me.  I know Him.

I don't like everything.  No.  But in the grand scheme of things, there are things more important than my life of comfort and happiness.  So I go on trusting God through deep pain and just go on....

Love is....

.... eating apples with cinnamon, brown sugar, and whipped cream in bed while watching a movie on the laptop because we have no visitors!  Happy dance!

.... but it is so stinking hot right now...  that is the only downside.  Otherwise a nice warm blanket and it would really feel like fall.  Nope, we've got the fans on and still too warm.  I don't understand this weather - a few weeks ago we were freezing our.... (ummm.... would you believe me if I said I was going to say "toes"?... no?  me neither!)  off!  Now we're sweating at midnight.  Of course, we are not in the same place, but it's not so easy to adjust to two wild extremes.

I like visitors.  Really.  Just its been a few rough weeks and it is nice to eat apples in bed and do nothing for an evening.

Here Again, Gone Again

Lilly left this morning.  As much as I enjoyed her stay, I am also enjoying the silence and aloneness again.

Keep praying for her.  She took a Bible with her as well as many other things to read and watch.  She was impressed by what she saw, and we hope that she will continue to seek for the truth.

And for now... cleaning up my house and getting it in order.

except the phone just rang again... another wave hitting right when we thought we might have a chance to recover and take a few deep breaths...

What We Miss in Acts 12

Acts 12 has become a very interesting chapter for our family this year.  We read it with new eyes.  For in some details, it was very much what we faced this spring - oh, there were differences, of course, but there were many similarities.  So many that whenever we have told our story, people's eyes get big and they say, "oh, like Peter in Acts 12!"  It is for us a very special piece of Scripture right now.

But this last week, we were in a meeting and the speaker began to read from Acts 12.

1 Now about that time Herod the king laid hands on some who belonged to the church in order to mistreat them.
 ²And he had James the brother of John put to death with a sword.
 ³When he saw that it pleased the Jews, he proceeded to arrest Peter also Now it was during the days of Unleavened Bread.
 ⁴When he had seized him, he put him in prison, delivering him to four squads of soldiers to guard him, intending after the Passover to bring him out before the people.
 ⁵So Peter was kept in the prison, but prayer for him was being made fervently by the church to God.
 ⁶On the very night when Herod was about to bring him forward, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and guards in front of the door were watching over the prison.
 ⁷And behold, an angel of the Lord suddenly appeared and a light shone in the cell; and he struck Peter's side and woke him up, saying, "Get up quickly " And his chains fell off his hands.
 ⁸And the angel said to him, "Gird yourself and put on your sandals." And he did so. And he said to him, "Wrap your cloak around you and follow me."
 ⁹And he went out and continued to follow, and he did not know that what was being done by the angel was real, but thought he was seeing a vision.
 ¹⁰When they had passed the first and second guard, they came to the iron gate that leads into the city, which opened for them by itself; and they went out and went along one street, and immediately the angel departed from him.
 ¹¹When Peter came to himself, he said, "Now I know for sure that the Lord has sent forth His angel and rescued me from the hand of Herod and from all that the Jewish people were expecting." 

And then I saw it.  The verse we all just read through and go on to the miraculous story.
1 Now about that time Herod the king laid hands on some who belonged to the church in order to mistreat them.  ²And he had James the brother of John put to death with a sword.
 ³When he saw that it pleased the Jews, he proceeded to arrest Peter also Now it was during the days of Unleavened Bread.....

We read through that verse so fast that I doubt we see it.  We rejoice in the miraculous freeing of Peter.  But, do we even stop enough to see that he had James the brother of John put to death with a sword?

It is hard to read right now.  Hard to wrap my mind around it... why?  One gets an angel, a surprising release, walking into a group praying for them, seeing the shock and joy on their faces, a quick get away to a safe place.

The other gets put to death with the sword.

Just doesn't seem right.  Hard to struggle through right now as the recipients of the amazing freedom from the brink of death.    Because our hearts love our brothers.... the "James's" who did not get the answer we got.

So next time before you read through the amazing story of Peter's release and Rhoda the servant girl in Acts 12, take a moment to stop in verse 2 and realize that they killed James with a sword.  And God stood by.  The same God who worked the miracle for Peter.  He let them kill James.  And this group gathered for prayer in the house where Rhoda served knew that.  Their hearts rejoiced for Peter, but it was not the rejoicing of absolute delight and a cocky victory.  It was the rejoicing of those who also mourn and know the times and the danger they lived in.

Difficult to read.  Difficult to know.  But I have lived in enough places in different countries to know that it is not that uncommon.  I remember the first time when I was only 8 that I heard that a missionary had been killed.  I did not know him, but I was staying with a family who did know him.  I stood quietly as the man of the family we stayed with buried his head in his hands and waited for the call... and when it came, it was the story of James, not of Peter, and this man wept.  Since that day, I've stood by and watched that scene play out more times than I ever thought I would.  The problem with being connected to a world wide family is that we are connected.  When we suffer, we all suffer.

But at times, I catch myself in the middle of a very normal day with my very normal family activities, and I stop.  Why were we given Peter's answer and not James'?  I don't think I will even know the answer to that question, but now, even if I hear on the news of deaths, I pause to wonder.  And grieve.  Because I caught a glimpse of what the families of James's are asked to walk through.  And I wonder - why did we get Peter's answer?  Why didn't they?

I don't understand it all right now, but seeing this verse this last week brought me a strange comfort.  This vast difference in answers was going on even from the early church.  There are Peters and there are James.  There is both mourning and rejoicing.

One day, it will all be over, and we will all be together.  At times, I think God is wrong in Revelation where He says there will be no more tears...  I think there will be a few tears of happiness when we all see each other again after all we've been through.  To have walked through it all, and be in a place of no more suffering...  I think there will be tears of happiness as we run back into each other's arms.  Together with no more goodbyes... nor more fears... no more danger... just joy.

I Still Don't Think I Am Ready For This...

My day was going fine today until I checked my messages.  A friend wrote that she wants me to speak in November to a group of women from different churches...

I've got that deer in the headlights look right now.

You see, I've gotten decent enough at sharing what I think in writing, but I usually hide behind my very outgoing husband in groups.  I've spoken before, yes, for a few minutes at the end or middle of his talks, but NEVER done an event by myself.  I'm sort of freaking out here.

It's not that I think I can't do it... I should be able to...  It is just that the thought terrifies me!  Totally out of my comfort zone.  I see myself so much more as a background person.  Let me handle logistics for thirty people arriving.  Let me rock babies to sleep while supervising a group of kids to prepare a simple meal.  Let me write stuff.  Let me map out a strategy or evaluate something.  Let me do anything besides stand up and speak!

And my heart is tender right now, sore.  This last month and a half has changed so much of my ordered world and I feel bewildered.  Missing the security and familiarity I was so used to.

I still don't think I am ready for this.

To Trust or Not to Trust - That is the Question

Trust.  This thing I've been learning.  What does it mean to trust someone?  That they won't fail us?  That we can count on them?  That we know their heart and it is good?  Do we ever know these things?  Can we ever completely trust people?  Won't it be that they are human and will fail?  So how can we ever trust?  Or is it simply enough to say that we know someone's heart and that they do not intend harm?  But that is a little of an unrealistic attitude, denying pain only because there was no intent to harm.

I've been punched in the chest when I walked up behind someone who, unknown to me, was just throwing out his fists in an effort to stretch his shoulders.  There was absolutely no harm intended at all.  Yet it knocked the breath out of me and I collapsed.  There are families whose children were run over as a parent backed out of a driveway.  No evil was ever intended - the thought of hurting their child would have nauseated them.  But they buried their dear child.  So it is foolishness to only look at intent and ignore the result.  Pain hurts - intended or not.

So how do we trust?  An interesting question for me right now.  Does this change in time?  I've struggled with trust most of my life from the time as a young child when I found out the world is not a beautiful place.  How do we trust people?  Do any of you have anyone who you trust completely who has never disappointed you and never hurt you?  Perhaps you do, but I would highly doubt it.

So do we bother to trust at all or do we live as suspicious cynics?

Over the years in the learning to trust, I've grown a little - enough to be unsatisfied with the life of the suspicious cynic.  But I've learned another painful lesson, too - the more you trust someone, the greater the ability you give them to hurt you.  So why do we even trust?  It obviously does not seem like a logical decision at all - trust people who will fail and that very trust enabling that very failure to cause deeper pain?

So why trust?

If a stranger tells me they don't like me and I am a burden, it stings; but I walk away, shrug, and brush it off.  If one close to me says these same words, it knocks the breath out of me and I collapse.  It leaves a huge ugly bruise which aches long past the event.  Other words, other breaking of trust can leave permanent scarring.

So why do we even bother to trust?

Why?  I think it is because we are created in the image of the God who is calling us back more and more to be transformed into His likeness.  God who trusted Himself to us - even knowing that we would kill Him... that even after that we would not always count His sacrifice as valuable.  Yet, He opened himself to us - entrusting Himself.  And He calls us to follow.  Also because God is light - He is about transparency and openness, the very foundation of trust.  So we work towards trust because we work towards the image of God.

Without trust, we will never get to know each other, to really be able to encourage, to love, to care for each other.  So trust is needed.

Yet it comes back to the beginning.  Trust opens us up deeper to people who will certainly hurt us and that hurt will be deeper because of that very trust we offered.

So how do we trust then?  What do we base that trust on?  Definitely not on any guarantee against pain.  On the contrary, it seems to be in the face of a guarantee of pain.

Learning to Trust

I think I'm failing on this lesson right now.  Perhaps.  Well, I think I am still getting a passing grade on the learning to trust God.  It is the trusting other people that is more the issue right now.

I've taken a gut punch in this subject, and I am still reeling from the unexpected blow.  I just did not see it coming and am utterly confused about it.  But, oh, you can be sure I'm on guard now!  Not about to take another blow with no protection!

But while we had a week away, the week with the spiders and freezing cold, I had sometime to think,  The time involved sitting in meeting every morning and evening, and to be honest, I could not concentrate enough to understand all that was being said, so I busily worked in my journal.  (I do have this bad habit tuning out some meetings and just quietly writing. - but really, it can be such a effort to concentrate enough to understand!)

I wrote in the first part of the week about how I was feeling... hard to find words to express all that.  We have been through one thing after another this year, and recently lost some friends in a tragic accident, so we were in shock and pain.  At the funeral, we sat crying, but something impressed itself on me through the grief.

There were some of us who counted loss as a normal thing - not a welcomed thing, not a sure thing, not a thing to be belittled, but something that did not shock us.... we already knew that life is not a guarantee and that God lets the unexpected happen.  We grieve, but we turn in our grief up to God.

A verse that comes to mind (I know it is an odd one) is one about my soul rests like a weaned child upon the Lord.  A picture of quiet rest not demanding and fussing.

Then there were those in another context who I think had never before really faced that life has no guarantees of anything happening... people who are shocked when cars crash, when sickness hits and cancer steals life, when planes fall out of the sky... as if just because we believe in and follow God, that He will stop everything to see that we all live to be 97 and die peacefully in our sleep.  Their shock, horror, pain, and sheer incapability to deal with the death was awful to see.

We grieved, we gathered together and comforted each other, we cried, but we did not rale against God.  There was the quiet acceptance already that we all knew things happen.  It didn't shake our trust in God.  I don't think in the entire thing that I was tempted to look up at God and demand the answer to an angry "why?".  I've lost friends before....  I still know each one... I miss them..... but I have to accept that God knows what He is doing and my long life and comfort is not really the top thing on His priority list.  Neither is it on mine, I hope.

We looked up at God with deep sadness, pain, hurt, a shock in the fact that they are gone, not in that God allowed it.  In tears....  but a settled trust.

So it is not the trusting God that has taken a blow.  It is trusting other people.  I'm not doing good there at all.  And it hurts.  It's ripped open a gash in me similar to the wound in my son's arm - big and ugly.  And it is not healing well.  The problem is I'm not sure I want to be doing good there again.  Why trust if it only means you will get hurt?

The first days at camp, I journaled about how I felt, but came to no resolution.  Then the day of the spiders, I decided to relax (OUT of a boat!) by sitting in the sun and reading a book.  Just a junk book - there wasn't much choice if I didn't want to read a commentary on I Peter.  One of those books authors write to get a paycheck, but the world would not have missed if it had never existed.

But the book was about trust.  About  girl who struggled with trust.  I read it in about two hours, and set it down.  But then I began to think about trust....

Really, the pain that I'm struggling with, that I curl up silent against my husband late at night and wrap his arms tight around me because of, is about trust.  I had felt safe.  I had not expected to get hurt.  And I did.  And I still have no real clue as to why.  And that hurts.

It is about trust.

Then I began to think...  that evening, I wrote down a series of questions.... why do we trust?

Honestly, I see no logical basis for trust at all.  None.  Not for trusting other people.

But it is late and I can't find my journal.  When I do, I will sort out the questions and answers here.  I haven't given up on the whole idea of trust, but I am less willing to do it now.

Yet, strangely, the one person I trust the most in my life at this point is one who has also hurt me quite a lot in the past.  My husband.  Right now, he is my comfort, the one I trust, the one I run to with my heart hurting and confused.

He can't say much right now.  He's a little confused, too.  But he holds me.

Trust - it isn't that logical at all.  Yet, I trust my husband.  Even after what we have been through.  So perhaps hearts heal.  Mine just hasn't yet.  To be honest, I don't know if I want it to.  Not in this case.  The gash is too close to my heart to ever want to go through it again.

Dancing in the Storm

One of the things I have learned over the years is to dance.  Now, don't get me wrong - I can't dance!  Elegant and graceful are not words one would use to describe me at all.  I'm rather short, squat, uncoordinated, and klutzy.  I'm strong and can go on forever at a task, but I am not graceful at all.

Yet, I've learned to dance.  It is how in my heart I express delight in God.  I've learned the truth in the verse that says, "The Lord takes great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." I've learned to listen for His singing, for His delight in me.  My response?  To dance.  An unrestrained dance of a small child's delight.  I've danced through the good things; I've danced through the tough times; I've gotten to my feet in defiance of those things which should have crushed me and danced through the storms.  It is the quiet singing of Gd which calls to me and my heart turns up once more and begins to dance.

These last weeks have been tough.  Remnants of things this spring hang over us, difficult times come, the sheer crazy busy-ness wore us out, the constant presence of a guest, things broke, life was not easy; our friends were out of town so we were alone.  We were tired, exhausted.  Then when we were at our breaking point, it only got worse.  Tragedy struck and our hearts were sore.  Then on top of that, friends left us.  One thing after another hitting when I was already low, and I sat in stunned shock.  I think one of the harder things in life besides gut-wrenching tragedy is when friends disappoint us.  It can come out of the blue and feel like a gut-punch, knocking the very breath out of us.  Then the cold sets in - the cold of sudden aloneness.

This has been my last few weeks.  But over the years, I have learned to dance, and now, in the quiet stillness, my bruised heart looks up to the One who quiets me in His love, who delights over me with singing.  And bruised and bleeding, I raise my head and begin to dance.  It is a painful dance right now, one with many tears.  I'm cold, tired, and still stunned.  My heart is crying.  But over the turmoil comes the gentle voice of God singing, and I respond with a quiet dance.  This time through the pain, but through the tears comes the cry of my heart, "Whom have I in heaven but You?  And besides You, I desire nothing on earth."  It is right now a dance of mourning, of pain - the fullness of all the pain and confusion in my heart lifted up to the One who loves me, but I dance.

The morning will come of a new day - one that looks so terribly different from today, but as the dawn breaks on the new day, I know some things will remain certain.  God will still be there, still singing in delight over me, still committed to me.  And I will still dance.  I will dance as my wounded heart heals.  I will dance in the new day as my mind wraps around what the evening before I could not even imagine.  God remains and my heart shelters in that fact.  My refuge.

Rock of Ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee

I run to the Rock that is higher than I 

Nevertheless, I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand.

With Your counsel, You will guide me and afterwards recieve me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever...

but as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge that I may tell of all Your works.

Ps 73

Though the fig tree should not blossom
         And there be no fruit on the vines,
          Though the yield of the olive should fail
         And the fields produce no food,
         Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
         And there be no cattle in the stalls,
    Yet I will exult in the LORD,
         I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. 

Hab 3:17-18

I find it interesting that while God comforts and shelters us in trouble, He does not take away the pain.  We still carry it.  We still go through it.  There is no spiritual opiate, no mind-numbing drug to ease our way.  Only in the midst of the pain, hurling ourselves into His arms - there we find shelter.

I don't know what your "yet" is right now.  Some are big things, some are little things that have just been there for so very long, some are things that others might shake their heads and wonder why it is an issue - everyone has their "yet".  Some we are free to share, others we aren't; but let's chose through the pain, "Yet will I exult, I will rejoice."

Wounded or not - going on.  We've come too far to quit.  And my heart has been trained to dance.

In the Same Boat

Usually when we say this phrase, we are talking about happy companionship or suffering a hardship together with friends.

Well....

Our family went north recently - more north than I think I have ever been.  Quite an experience for this heat loving human.  Another group doing a totally different thing thought we needed a break and invited us along on their event.  It took two days just to travel up there, and it was COLD!  Not that cold - when the days warmed up, we did (well, not me) swim in a lake and use various styles of boats.

They had one boat which resembled a kayak, but different than what I was used to.  A little harder to steer.  It held two people, so I took my daughter on a ride across the lake and through a channel to another lake.  It was there that it began....

I heard a squawk from behind me, and a "I'm ok, mommy, don't panic!"  Then some more squawks and a muffled scream.  "A spider!"  I was helpless to assist but clarified that the spider was indeed IN the boat and she could not get him out.

If that wasn't bad enough... "Mommy, don't panic, it's ok, really, but oooh! Mommy! there is more than one!"

"How many?"

"Lots of them mommy!  Please, its ok, just it is ok, I don't like them, but I'm ok, don't panic!"

This daughter knows how mommy usually reacts to a spider - jumping way out of the way and standing there shivering and calling for a male member of the human race to exterminate it quickly.

I could not believe that there would be many spiders in the boat, but I glanced down by my legs, and AAAACCKKK!!!!!!!

There were at least fifteen spiders crawling around my feet, landing on my legs and jumping off - basically having a happy family outing all over my legs!!!

Now I knew why she was saying, "Mommy please don't panic!"

There was no place to jump, and no way to reach inside and kill them.  And no male member of the human race to scream for.  We screamed, her and I, we screamed little squeaking screams the whole way back across the one lake and through the channel.  She alternately sobbed and tried to comfort me as I paddled as fast as I could.

Thankfully, rounding the corner into the last lake to cross, there was a male member of the human race - her brother paddling on a small raft sort of thing.  He immediately paddled nearby to see why we were screaming, but could not from his position rid of us the spiders.  He was, however, able to get close enough so my daughter could jump onto his raft into safety.  He brought her back across the lake.

And I was left alone in the same boat with the spiders...

It is simply amazing how fast I can paddle with spiders crawling over my legs.  I screamed, squeaked, shuddered, and paddled to the docks, jumped out, stripped everything off but my swimsuit and stood there shuddering in horror.

UGH!  UGH!  UGH! 

Never again!

By evening, we surveyed the damage.  My daughter and I both have matching bites on our tummies.  And nightmares.  I think I have successfully gotten over ANY desire to sit in a kayak again!