Some Good

There are good days and bad. Today was a better day. There are slow steps to normal. Not there yet, but slow steps.

Also sad news today.

A mixed day.

Then - ouch! I hurt myself. Promise not to laugh? I did it hanging upside down from a jungle gym and trying to do a sit up from that position. Yeah... figured you wouldn't be able to keep a straight face... go ahead... laugh! I know I am getting old... but... still haven't learned to act old.

Then kids.. one very serious little guy tried to explain to me that he was NOT throwing wood chips. Hmm... well... he said you were. "No, I was not." Hmm... well why did he say so? "I threw one at him. You asked if I was throwing wood chipS. I wasn't. Only one wood chip!"

With a straight face, I confronted him on it, and laughed later. He is a kid after my own heart - and at least he is getting his grammar.

I'm sore, though. Didn't really need to go hurt my shoulder... nope... didn't need to do that.

One day, I'll grow up. Just not yet.

A Question

Ok. I talked to my husband yesterday. Well, let's rephrase that. I listened to my husband yesterday. I could have argued with him and won hands down. But I just listened. My internal dialog would have liked to scream rebuttals to what he said, but I just listened. My heart would like to write out on ticker tape that the hurt that he wants me to "just get over it" is largely inflicted by him. But I just listened.

His big complaint right now is two-fold. Well, there is a third, but I don't see that as hugely valid.

1. I don't respect him. (Such as, I told people his problems.)
2. I don't trust him.
and the third...
3. I have no friends and am not happy.

I will discount number three because it is blatantly untrue. I have friends. I am different than him in that I prefer a few friends that I know well rather than many that I superficially visit with. He could be possibly upset that I am not friends with who he wants me to be friends with... but we'll address this one later.

The "I don't trust him". Well, no, I don't. He has proven who he is. So trust would be foolish. I can trust him to fail again. That is what I can trust. But... laying quietly in my bed at night practicing silence - the silence not of my mouth, but of my mind - I wondered. Love is a choice. Is trust a choice? Can I trust him as a choice, knowing ahead of time that he will fail? Can I trust anyway, choosing to give him what he does not deserve? Am I safe enough in my Father's arms to do that?

I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm not much of a person for snap answers. But I'm asking it.

The "I don't respect him". Well, again, no. Hard to do, you know, when he yells at me and the kids. When the very things he teaches, he does not do. I like openness. I like doing what you say you will do. I like dependability. I value these things. And I don't respect him. Yes, I know we have to respect our husbands. So I am puzzled here. For what?

I tried to explain to someone today that honestly, I respect my husband like (democrats, go plug your ears) I respected President Clinton. I respected the office of president and the position he had and the respect the position entailed, but his character and person, I did not respect. That is how I feel about my husband. I respect the position he holds, but not his character. I respect some skills he has - he is a charmer, a people-person, a easy talker, things like this.... but not his character. I respect his vision and goals... but not his character. I think his actions to hurt me when he is angry are not respectable.

So, I guess my question is, - and don't answer if you have a perfect life and a wonderful husband who is always kind and good but only occasionally throws his socks on the bedroom floor - how do we respect husbands who perhaps ...umm.... well....

See, too many marriage books talk about respect and stuff like that, but their examples are people who leave their dishes on the table, forget to mow the lawn, don't work hard enough to provide.... not for people who blow it and get so angry that they think it is funny to hurt their wives. Not for people who will keep going with the verbal taunts and accusations until they get you to cry and then are happy. Not for people who will clam up for weeks on end giving you the silent treatment because they are angry.

So, those of you who have been to the edge of failure and worked your way at least part way away from that edge, how do you respect a husband?

And to how I'm feeling today? Well, I had a talk with someone yesterday, and I left in the evening to go sit alone and cry. Because I feel hopeless and alone. People tell me this, "You need to decide what to do. No one is going to fix your marriage for you." I agree. I'm not expecting anyone to fix it. But I was hoping someone will tell me what I am supposed to be doing. No. I have to decide that.


I feel like I have been given a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer (usually fatal), and then taken down to the hospital dispensary and walked in the door. "Here are many choices of medications. Some of them might help you. You need to decide what to take." And left alone. The very bulk of meds on row after row of shelves is mind-boggling. How could I chose? And even if I managed to luck on the right choice, how would I know I was taking it the right way and the right dose? A few people said, "well I can give you some books" (if you've suggested some, don't feel guilty.... likely I am not talking about you.), but I feel as bewildered as if I was shown the medical journals and the infamous, big, blue PDR (physisian's desk reference - a book about ten inches thick of microfish writing about every drug known to mankind.)

I feel completely bewildered and alone.

I'm cold. Shivering cold. Tired. Unable to retain heat.

I'm so bewildered that I am tempted to just walk out of the room without trying any meds. How could I ever know which to try? Perhaps I am just better to go home and pretend everything is fine. To put on a nice face and smile and to cover my inside self in a head to toe shawl. Wearing the veil. Covering cloth which turns women from individuals into a shape of cloth, indistinguishable from the next shape.

I feel bewildered and alone today. I've picked up this one med, and am turning it over and over in my hand looking at it. Is this the right one for this situation? Or isn't it? How do I take it? Is it a cream you rub on or are you supposed to swallow it? How much? I don't know. And I feel exhausted.

I agree that no one is going to fix my marriage for me, but I had hoped someone would know what to do. No one wants to take that responsibility, so I stand alone in a large room with rows of meds. I'm sure one of them might fix this, but which one?

Be Thankful

Another thing I have decided is that in all the negative and horribleness of these weeks, I have choices. I may be facing my third week of silence, but I am not going to let it drag me down. Time to chose thankfulness and choose what happiness I have. Focus on the good. Not a pollyanna type of ignore the bad and it will go away, but a simple choice. In this, there is still good, and I can both celebrate and give thanks for the good things in my life.

Today's good things:

Kayla is doing well. In two days, she is mastering long division which stumped her for three years. I love seeing her face as she realizes she CAN do this! I've been called stupid and dumb and "will never learn" (not academically, but other things) so many times myself.... and when I can turn around one child's life and take her from a "I'm just so stupid that I will never get it" to a "I'm a bit behind, but I CAN learn this!" - then I smile. She's stopped calling herself stupid. She and I will both agree that she is, like me, distractable and has trouble focusing, but we're learning skills to compensate for that.

Music. I'm thankful for music and laughter. The kids and I put some music on loud on the way to school and clapped and sang along loudly with it, laughing the whole way.



Rollerblades. I got some for my #2 son which means the whole gang has them now, and we are learning to rollerblade. Being active makes me happy. So, so, so glad the cold has gone! Somehow being active while carrying around an extra 15 pounds of snow wear just is not the same!




Oranges. They are in season, and I love them! I know, doesn't take much to make me happy, does it?

First Things

I'm not ignoring the problems, but I am in a wait mode still... waiting until I know what to do, waiting to have things organized... waiting...

One thing I think I have decided is that I don't think I want to do any more "marriage counseling" until my husband does some anger management courses or counseling. He has the material for it already. He's been given the homework and all, but he doesn't do it. Because, honestly, there are marriage issues, yes, but he has an anger problem that is not my problem. He'd like to say it is. He'll happily blame it on me saying I make him angry. But other people make him angry, too. He's got in yelling and shoving fights with people on the side of the road because "they made him angry". I've always been ready to forgive, ready to say it is ok, ready to work on things...

I'm not so ready anymore. I think that he needs to work on his issues and see that they are his issues, his responsibility, and his sins. When I see work on those, then I will be willing to work on "us". The problem with "counseling" so far is that he sees it as a chance to angrily and derogatorily speak of or to me in front of the pastor who really is unable to stop him, and I end up feeling all bruised all over again. It is bad enough to hear what he says once (or many times), but to hear it in front of another person, who either does not or can not stop him, is twice bad.

Anger management - or counseling - this is something that will need to be done before I am interested in getting back into joint counseling.

On the good side - he's picked up a few books that he has been given, and has been reading them on his long evenings alone. I simply go to bed with the kids now. I'm tired and enjoy the sleep. I used to have to stay up with him until 12 or 1, and then it is me who gets up with the kids at 6 and does the morning routine. It was tiring. I'm enjoying sleeping, and waking in the quiet mornings not feeling worn out. But he is reading some good books in his evenings... a good sign.

Do I trust? No. He's been given a limit before, been out of the house for a few months, and been given trust when he was allowed back in.... change lasting only a very short time... I'm low on trust, tired of being talked into it as a "Christian point of view". I don't trust my brother who is in prison serving a fourteen years. I could have my children removed from my home if I was to "trust" my brother with my kids. Trust, when broken, has to be earned. All trust has to be earned. He's busy un-earning all his trust right now. Proving himself to be someone who can not be trusted. It would be stupid to trust someone who has proven that he shouldn't be trusted.

Grace allows forgiveness. Mercy allows second chances. It does not earn trust. I see good signs, and am willing to pray for him, and to be encouraged, but I won't be talked back into trust for a very long time. Not with nice words from him, not with "Christian" words from a pastor, no. Trust is earned. Even Jesus did not take Peter's first declaration of "Of course, I love You".

Cat and Mouse

I drove home from work at midnight and had to slow down for a cat sitting in the road near my house. The cat looked up at me, but did not move immediately like it should. It looked back at the road, preoccupied. I came to a stop and looked where the cat's attention was fixed. A grey bump on a grey road. Then it moved. A mouse! It was midnight, and I had nowhere to go fast, so I sat and watched. The cat ignored my headlights, keeping only half an ear twitching back at me, and chased its mouse. It caught it once, threw it up in the air, and then let it go again. Clearly having fun. The mouse... well, I don't suspect he enjoyed the game as much.

After some time, the cat and mouse game moved to the side of the road, and I drove on smiling. Then I thought. "I am like that mouse. I am being toyed with; a cat watching me. But, was I to drive on, the cat would have run, and the mouse would have been free. In reality, it was not the cat in the position of control and power there, but me in my big noisy vehicle with lights. There would be no battle of strength between me and cat. If I push down the gas, away will run cat.

There is someone watching this cat and mouse game I am living in, too. The cat is not as big and omnipotent as he thinks he is. There is a God who sees. And I went to bed smiling because I didn't feel so powerless.

Then I dreamed. I dreamed I was in a bus with much of our team. Our team leader was driving which makes me nervous. See, I like people who drive without having accidents, and our team leader has twice crashed our car in the few years we've known him. He's rather distractable driver. He was carrying on a conversation with the people seated behind him, and kept turning completely around in his seat to talk to them. I mentioned twice that, "Hey, watch out. The road is up there!", but he would only look forward, and bring the bus back on the road, and continue turning around to talk. He turned and looked at me and said, "It is really all about relationships, you know, haven't you learned that? Don't be so hung up with staying on the road. Relationships are more important."

This cycled through a few more times with the bus wheel veering close to the edge of the cliff on the side of the road, before I finally stood up. I walked up to the front and told him to stop driving - that as important as relationships are, there will be no relationships if we go off the edge of the cliff and die. Not angrily, but just very matter of fact. Let me drive and you talk.

Then I woke up in the stillness. I've been waiting and waiting for things to be done in our family life. Waiting. At first it was "wait until we get there". Then, "Wait until the team is settled." Then, "Wait until we get this project done - it is very important, and you wouldn't want to stop it." Or "Really, are you going to let your personal problems stand in the way of people hearing the word.... getting a bible in their language.... being discipled.... if you shame him, then he will not be able to minister, you don't want to stop all that we are doing, do you?"

Always being told relationships and projects were the important thing - as long as it was not my relationship with my husband or his with the kids. But if the bus crashes....

Happy Things

I thought I would post today about the things that make me happy. True, my life right now is not easy. I'm going into week three of an angry, silent husband. But...

The sun is shining and things are growing. It is warm enough to go outside and enjoy sunlight on my bare skin. (well, parts of my bare skin!) I've started going for long walks and short runs again, and I love being active. My allergies are not bothering me!!! Yeah!!! For those who don't know me, allergies used to steal two and a half months of my life every spring.

At work last night, we put in the movie "Sister Act" for the patients, so I got to listen to it while I put people in bed. It made me smile and move quicker. Our nun with Alzheimer's enjoyed the movie - eyes open, smiling, and watching the nuns sing and dance. Yeah, well, she had not the slightest idea what it was about, but the nuns and music got through to her. I love music. Can't sing, can't play, but I love music, and I've healed enough to enjoy it now. Sometimes, when hurt is fresh, I hurt to much to be able to listen to music. Today, I will put my mp3 player on loud and clean house!

Patients who say funny things make me laugh. One man is a Scottish gentleman who is at times lucid and very polite, but other times he hallucinates. Last night he called me in and told me, "My son tells me that he thinks those people on the end of my bed are dead. Can you look under the blankets and see if there is anything resembling a corpse?"

I looked and assured him that there was only his foot. (He only has one.) He looked carefully down at it and asked, "And is it alive?" Yes. It was. It moved. Then while washing him up for bed, instead of flinching and yelling about being washed where he has a diaper rash, he matter of fact informed me that "that piece of equipment is known to be rather sensitive, you realize." His speech, words, accent, and manners always make me smile. A dry wit combined with usually impeccable manners - while dealing with the indignities of being in a nursing home and having hallucinations.

Only During Service - More Beauty Questions

Ok, seriously, I'd be quite happy if my daughter would go back to studying theology during service instead of looking at me.

This week, during singing, she studiously stared at my head. I wondered about it, but kept singing. Then she leaned over with her question:

"Mommy, why do you have two different colors of hair?"

Why can't she just think I'm naturally beautiful without pointing out that I highlight my hair and wear hose occasionally. What is next week? Questions about my make-up?

She hasn't forgotten her close watch on theology, though. The visiting pastor preached about the man who had been forgiven the huge debt and wouldn't forgive the small debt. He dared to be a bit free with the text and said the "king" forgave him his debt. It only took my daughter about three seconds to be pulling on my sleeve, "Mommy, he wasn't a king. The Bible says he was a master."

Don't try to pull a fast one on that kid!

Then #3 carefully brought his plate to me during the potluck and launched into a long explanation on how he had chosen foods from all the food groups. Hey, they are learning something in school! This one wants to be a pilot, but as I watch him grow, I am beginning to think he might be a pastor or teacher. It is more in line with his gifts and heart. And - the kid is always getting into unusual accidents; I don't know that I want him up in the air with 500 people behind him!

I'm Back

I'm back. It was a great trip. Yeah, ok, a little rushed at times. Interesting to be with different personalities on the trip. The teacher on this trip... well... he is... umm... - what to say? He likes to be on schedule. He can be loud. And I can't always read him well. I think he is nice. In fact, I know he is nice because I have seen him when he is nice, but... sometimes I forget. And when I forget, I get a little nervous and watch him carefully.

But I think he is nice. I don't think that when I see him get frustrated with situations or kids who insist on pushing limits. But then I remember when I see him dealing gently with kids who need gentleness.

Still, it was good to have on the trip another mom who is my friend who could laugh at the whole situation at times and tell me to relax.

It was a good trip, though. I enjoyed it. Nice to be with kids. Nice to see things. To eat because I was out of the stress and with people where I felt cared for. To swim, walk, run...

I ate more food than I would usually eat in a week, way more. Interestingly, I only gained two pounds. Happy about that. I think because we walked and ran so much. I even ran with the kids for their capture the flag game. I think I was supposed to sit on the sidelines with the adults... but... I like to play.

I enjoyed my time.

Now I am home. Met with silence. Met by kids delighted to see me and a husband who likely wished I wasn't home.

I'm Off

On the trip I was given back. Well, I went head to head with my husband on this one. His big complaint was that his son was "being alienated" from him. (No thought to the fact that his anger alienates him. He is sure that I do it.) So I suggested very strongly that one way to "un-alienate" his son would be to allow his mom to go with him like he had planned. If you really want to appear to be nice, .... umm... act nice.

So I am going. I'm happy about it. Happy to be with my son. Happy to go and see what we are going to see. Happy to just get away for awhile.

Pray for the others at home. They will be watched over by others who will drop in and visit and check on them at school. But my husband is on his "down-swing" now. He is peaceful, nice, mostly kind.... he's got a week or two before he will build and be angry again.

So, I'll be off line until at least Friday night. I get home then, but may not be able to write until Saturday.

Thanks for all your prayer and support this last week. I haven't decided to do nothing even though it looks like it right now. Talking, evaluating, and deciding action will come next week when we have time to sit down and talk.

Ah, but just now my daughter came in tears.... "You're leaving?" She curled against me... "but what if Daddy gets mad?"

What do I say?

I think he won't. I think he won't. We have checks in place. He rarely gets mad at the younger three - only me and the oldest. He's calmed down.

But what if? And what do I say to children to whom mommy represents security?

Now I feel guilty.

Then there is the question of the ride

That question still lingers. Do I keep on this insane ride? Do I continue to allow myself and my children to be dragged round and round the cycle forever?

I don't know the answer to that yet, but I am definitely thinking it over seriously.

I know the cycle. I predicted it, didn't I? And today, he's on the "do some nice things and maybe they will forget" section. So, all the bikes got fixed, my clothesline got rehung, and the garbage taken out (usually left to me). In some ways, I'm laughing - because I can see his steps before he takes them. The only question is when the next thing comes, but I have seen these cycles before.

What he doesn't know is that just as I will not earn his love, he can not earn mine. I do not sell it, but give it freely - when there is repentance. Not before. Not if he does enough good works. No.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy getting my clothesline fixed. I'll breathe a small sigh of relaxation that he is looking for ways to grow closer to the family.

But he can't earn love. He has sinned against me, hurt me, and laughed about it. That is not fixed by stringing some clothesline. That is fixed by facing truth, by repentance, and by forgiveness. By making wrongs right, not by doing good deeds.

And I think an element of repentance has to be seeing what this does to his family. Not feeling "wrong" in a general sort of way, but hearing what it does to us.

Without repentance, if I decide, "Oh well, he's being nice...", it is simply getting on the merry-go-round again. On will go the ride. From here, we will be back to anger again at some point, sooner or later...

I'm getting dizzy. I'm not feeling like riding again. It's not all okay just because he tuned my bike. I don't know if I am allowed to be "angry", but I think I am. This is not right. I should not be treated this way. My son should not be treated this way. He should not be severely punished just because his daddy is angry at his mommy.

I've been stubborn before. In fact, I can be a very stubborn person, when I am not defeated. It may be time for a stubborn anger. Let's empty the stream and clear out all the garbage lurking in the shadows under the bridge. There will never be enough water under the bridge.

Pray for me here, pray for those around me, pray for wisdom. I see only two possibilities for the future, and neither one of them looks anything like the present.